Let's admit it: we all gossip. You and your neighbor detail the couple who moved in next door. Group girlfriend chats are filled with the latest information about your ex's new partner. Sometimes you and your coworkers just need to rant about your boss's latest request.
Gossip is a way for us to stay connected and share information with each other. That's not inherently bad, but it can be unhealthy. Knowing the difference between harmless chatter and malicious rumors can save your mental health and relationships.
What is gossip?
It's easy. Elizabeth Fedrick, a licensed professional counselor and professor of psychology at Grand Canyon University in Phoenix, says gossip occurs when people talk about other people who aren't present. Typically, the content shared tends to be personal, intimate, or sensational in nature and may include judgment or criticism of the person being discussed. For example, you may hear that a co-worker has a history of stealing ideas and taking credit for them. In this case, gossip will tell you who to trust and who might take advantage of you (don't share your presentation before you send it to your boss).
“Gossip can include both truth and speculation, positive and negative, but an important characteristic is that it tends to be based on information that is not widely known,'' says the licensed clinical social worker. says Michelle Felder, founder and CEO of Parenting Pathfinders. .
What do we misunderstand about gossip?
Gossip isn't always negative. When you share messages with colleagues on Slack or chat in person, discussions can be harmless, and often even positive, especially if they include praise or compliments. Gossip becomes negative when it is used to damage someone's reputation or is based on unsubstantiated rumors.
3 types of gossip
1. Positive gossip
If you connected with a new friend or colleague after a gossip session, you're not alone. “Sharing information helps you bond and create camaraderie around sensitive or fascinating topics,” Felder says. Gossip can be a way to test a situation and gain valuable insight. Before you reach out to another friend, discussing the friend who quit her job may encourage the person you're talking to to share your concerns about finances and hasty decisions. You'll leave the conversation feeling validated and better able to understand the other person's perspective.
2. Neutral gossip
This kind of conversation doesn't have to go to extremes. It may just be informational.2019 meta-analysis published in Social psychology and personality science We found that gossip was more likely to be neutral than positive or negative.
The researchers noted that neutral gossip tends to be about mundane (and often boring) topics, such as watching too many movies to keep up. For example, telling your partner that your friend recently got a promotion simply conveys the information without evaluating whether it's good or bad news. In this case, you'll be suspending judgment as to whether your friend deserved the promotion or was just lucky. It's just updating.
3. Negative gossip
Traditionally, the word “gossip” is associated with negativity, and Fedrick says it can certainly hurt relationships and have a negative impact. For example, after having a frustrating conversation with his friend, you might tell a mutual acquaintance that this person seemed rude and unstable. Your best friend may continue to hold criticism against your friend, even if this comment is not an objective reflection but a reflection of your less-than-ideal chat.
Life isn't perfect. It's normal to share your pain points. However, negative emotions can have a negative effect on you. To avoid turning to negative gossip, try switching to a problem-solving approach. By issuing a warning, rectifying the situation, or looking for ways to resolve the conflict, you can focus on specific instances rather than tarnishing someone's personal reputation.
What should I do if negative gossip makes me uncomfortable?
Even if gossip isn't harmful sometimes, that doesn't mean you're obligated to grin and put up with negative comments. Set conversation boundaries as needed.
Keep in mind that people gossip for different reasons. In some cases, they may be trying to gain acceptance by demonstrating that they belong to an in-group, or they may simply be bored. Whatever the reason, if the other person is making you uncomfortable, stay true to yourself. You can't control others, but they always refuse to participate, Felder added.
